As hard as it is to find the time to type this out. I am finding it to be rather therapeutic. I actually think it is helping me get over the post traumatic stress.
I woke up wondering how long I had been out. It felt like a few minutes, but I later learned it had been about 17 1/2 hours (1046 minutes). Th first hing I heard was, "Okay, you have all your fingers and you are a mom."
I thought, "Wow! I have ALL my fingers--NEAT! And, Of course I am a mom. I have two sweet little boys, and I am going to have a girl soon. . . (as I reach down to feel my middle). . . Oh, I am a mother of three now! I can't wait to see my new sweet little girl!"
I laid in the recovery room for what felt like an eternity, it was actually about 45 minutes. I just sat and processed everything that had happened. there was no one to talk to, and I couldn't really talk anyway, due to a massively dry throat. Eventually they wheeled me upstairs, I saw my family, asked for water and was told "No.", then Dr. Fryer came and looked at my fingers. He examined them, said he did not like the coloring of my index finger, so I was re-prepared for surgery, and I went back in for about 3 1/2 more hours (192 minutes) of surgery.
I went through the wake up/recovery process again, then made it back to my post-op. room again. I had a lot of family coming in and out of my room to see me and say "Hi". It was rather overwhelming for me. I remember feeling desperate for some water because my throat was so dry. I was only allowed ice chips for several hours after surgery. After a while it became a very difficult production just to swallow. I felt silly when I had to ask a person to pause whatever they were doing to me just so I could focus all my energy and chi on swallowing, but it really was that hard for probably the whole first day or so. Then some fabulous person brought me some chicken broth. After sipping a couple big cups of that, life was good again.
Okay back to Sunday night. I had a lot of people coming in and out of my room and calling on the phone to check on me. It was a little overwhelming. My room was really hot too(yes, like a sauna)! The Dr. ordered a sauna like atmosphere to keep all my blood vessels dilated so my fingers could heal at optimum level. Then, the room started vibrating, or so I thought. My pulse jumped up to about 160 beats per minute. I was vibrating, my chest started hurting, and my vision had become blurry. I was scared. I asked my husband, dad, brother, and brother-in-law to please give me a Priesthood Blessing. After the blessing I felt a little better and the tightness in my chest decreased, but I was still vibrating. That lasted a long time. I want to say half a day to a whole day. (I don't have a great grasp on some amounts of time in the hospital because I had no watch, and I couldn't see the clock very well from my bed). My vision stayed blurry for a few weeks.
Without going into much detail, I will say this; After all the visitors left and my husband fell asleep for a little while. I was left mostly alone, and my body told me it was exhausted. It had been "raked over the coals" and did not want to do this any more. My spirit made a choice at that point. That choice is what gets me through my difficult days. I am so grateful for my family and my support system, especially my husband and my older sister who coordinated everything for me for such a long time after I got home. I am eternally in debt to them. I am out of time, but I want to post this. I will continue on with stuff soon.
On waking up alone
1 week ago